The beginning of a dream...

I gave up on dreaming when I was a child.  I think that may have been because just about every time I proposed something I wanted there was always a reason presented back to me why that wouldn't work.  There was a very narrow window of things in my childhood life that were acceptable.  And a lot that weren’t!  It seemed every time there was something I desired it fell under the category of unacceptable things.  I don’t even remember what most of them were now.  I don’t think they were unreasonable things, just inconvenient.  Then there were those things that held out some hope for a time, but after I’d poured some effort into reaching a goal the good outcome I’d been hoping for evaporated.  It became easier to just not hope.  I don’t think my parents set out to hurt me, but it did.

A number of years ago while my husband, Alan, was reading Getting the Right Things Right by Charlie Hedges he posed the question to me, “What would you like to see yourself doing or where would do you see yourself five years from now?”  “I don’t know,” I casually replied.  “No, really,” he pressed, “Don’t you have a dream you’d like to see accomplished in your life?”  I didn’t know how to respond to that question and started crying, tears slowly trickling down my cheeks at first but then a torrent of them threatening to capsize me, “I don’t know,” I choked out. “I don’t have any dreams.”  He was shocked!  That was my first clue that something was terribly wrong in my soul, but it still took many years for me to overcome the hope stealing environment that had robbed me of those dreams to begin with.  In fact, it wasn’t until recently that I realized how uncertain dreams still were to me.

During the first week of October 2017 Calvary Church of State College, PA had a week long, uninterrupted period of prayer.  We covered prayer 24/7 by having individuals and groups sign up for time slots with which to be praying, many at a tent set up outside our Harvest Fields location.  I showed up for my first time slot on Monday morning.  There were already several women praying there when I arrived.  We started praying passionately for revival.  Many on the staff and in the church had begun even before the week of prayer had started.  I had felt an excitement building in me as I watched those around me become genuinely excited that God was in the midst of doing something.  But here at my time in the prayer tent I suddenly started feeling uncertain and afraid.  Why should I believe God would answer me?  What if God chose not to work in this time frame because I had become involved?  Crazy talk? Yes, but it sure took me back to some old places, overturned dreams at the hand of my mother.  And fear gripped my heart.  I recognized the implications almost immediately and started giving them to God, asking Him to help stay the fear rising in me.  Those fears were still threatening to engulf me as I left the tent some time later.

God put those fears to rest moments later as I made my way toward home.  I got barely a half mile before I saw a woman walking, a skeptic really with whom I’d been able to share the gospel.  I stopped and asked if she’d like a ride.  She gladly accepted and told me she was on the way to the prayer tent.  What?!?!  After I dropped her off the Holy Spirit gently nudged me “She is my deposit.”  There were no trumpets, no shouts, just a very gentle matter of fact statement – she is my deposit.  An excitement swept over me!  God knew my fear and was speaking peace into my soul!

I began to question if there was a personal dream I could hope in again.  After a series of conversations with my friend, Kristin, I decided to give myself five minutes a day for two weeks to just let my mind wander to see if I could discover a dream I might have.  To my wonder I had my answer within the first five minutes of letting my heart wander with my mind.  I realized I’d had a dream for quite some time but had just been too afraid to own it.  I wanted to write, maybe even get published.  But write, for sure.

This blog is my commitment to that dream, to become a writer; a place where I can share what is noodling around in my head, a forum where I can pour out some of the things I have been able to discover in God’s word and life, a glimpse into the inner workings of the very jumbled mind of Ruth Rieck.

Welcome to my world!